Okay, here's some detailed and hopefully constructive feedback:
Blood on the Moon
A Story of Clan Fennec
A Novel of an Alternate Battletech Universe
By Gabriel Rodriguez
All Rights Reserved
Nice title lay out: it's clear and gives a general idea of what to expect.
Clan Homeworlds Kerensky Cluster
Planet Tranquil 30 March 3066
Having a header like this is standard for BT stories so well remembers. It's usual to have 3 lines though, with the date on the 3rd line. Not a big deal though.
Clan Fennec's 3rd Fennec Light Calvary Cluster after a successful trial against Clan Wolf's
338th Garrison Cluster
Calvary > Cavalry
Okay, what was the trial about? Was there anything notable about forces committed, tactics used, casualties on either side? You don't need to show the trial, but it's a good backdrop and something that you could use to establish details about your protagonist, e.g. what is he piloting? is it damaged, putting him at a disadvantage in the following events?
who the Fennec refer to as Clan Jade Wolf
Nice bit of detail but why do they do that? How does Clan Wolf generally react? Also is this a nickname for just that Cluster or the whole clan?
was on the way back to their city Nueva. On the way Cluster Commander Star Colonel Juan De La Vega was informed of a Dark
Caste raid on one of their aerospace factories.
STOP!
Okay, here we have a problem. This is where you want to get dialogue going (you could do so earlier but here it's
important). Show this conversation. Who is giving him this information? A warrior, a civilian authority figure? What information are they giving him? What orders does he give them to follow until he can arrive?
All this follows under what I'd have to point to as the first rule of writing a story (as opposed to a textbook, worthy though those are): SHOW don't TELL.
He ordered his Cluster to procceed at flank speed to the factory. When they topped the rise of the hill they saw the Dark Caste engaged with the defenders of the factory
While this could be fleshed out you've hit the essentials: he's rushing as fast as he can; he arrives from over a hill; and the fight is continuing when he gets there.
To improve, perhaps mentioning some more detail of the terrain and whether he needs to split his forces? Perhaps there are damaged or slower 'Mechs being left behind or he sends an advance force of his fastest forces to reinforce the defenders. Most Clan Clusters have 'Mechs, Elementals and Aerospace: the latter could be there very quickly if you want them to. If you don't want aerospace, then think of why they aren't involved: perhaps they were caught on the ground and can't launch, or they're already engaging Dark Caste aerofighters?
the 181st Striker Binary. The Dark Caste attack consisted of one trinary of medium mechs with few older Omni's in the mix.
A little more detail would be good here: what's the Striker Binary's make up and how much has been knocked out of the fight? A quick chat with the Star Captain can set this up.
Also remember that Juan is not omniscient: he might only be able to see part of the force. Battletech battles tend to sprawl over a wide area so he very probably can only see part of the battle himself and needs reports from others or sensor feeds from a command centre somewhere to tell him what's going on elsewhere.
Seeing their dropship an old battered Union-C unguarded he sent Gamma Star which consists of two Falcon II C, two Kit Foxes with their Nighthawk equipped Elementals and a Fisher/Rider Battlemech with it's integral Special Operations Jump Infantry to take control of it.
Good. Again, dialogue would be beneficial here and more 'show' would help, but the key point is that your protagonist is being creative. You might also want to flesh out identifying the dropship: first glance might say Union and then he gets a report that it's a C model, not the old Star League design (which could be a minor plot point: how did the Dark Caste get hold of a modern dropship?)
Star Captain Anton said "Sir I do not see any other dropships where are they". to Star Colonel De La Vega.
If there's only a single enemy trinary then the logical assumption is that the Union carried all of them since it has the capacity for them. On the other hand, if I've misread your earlier statement then I'd suggest being clearer that there are larger forces involved.
Star Colonel De La Vega spoke they must be else where on the planet contact the Artic Fox a Whirlwind Class Destroyer and the Kit Fox an Aegis Class Heavy Cruiser request their assistance in dealing with these surats.
That's an interesting decision. With a Cluster AND the defensive Binary against a single Trinary, Juan has already overwhelming numerical superiority. While the Dark Caste aren't the most glorious opponents, sharing that glory is not going to be the first idea most Clanners have. Besides, he probably doesn't NEED the warships.
This may be deliberate on your part, in which case good: you've showed that he's different. If not then explain why he's doing this. Perhaps he has a friend or political ally on one of the warships and is offering him the chance to get a little glory if the Dark Caste try to escape on another dropship?
Also: dialogue? then use speechmarks.
3rd Fennec Light Calvary forward and I want prisoners.
This does sound odd when spoken. Commas would help, possibly also breaking it into two sentences.
The Dark Caste found out they were surrounded when a Shadow Hawk was cut down by multiple Er Large Laser and Er PPC blasts.
So is zellbrigen is not being used? Worth explaining why for the readers - or if this is not normal for Clan Fennec then have Juan give the order.
Or was this an alpha strike by someone? If so, who? Might be a noteworthy side character.
The Leader of the Dark Caste force turned his battered Phoenix Hawk to the incoming 3rd Fennec Light Calvary Cluster and opened fire on them.
How does Juan know that he's the leader?
Star Colonel Juan De La Vega said" Take him but do not kill him".
Speech marks, good.
Three Falcon IIC from Beta Star fired on the Phoenix Hawk.
Might be worth mentioning why those three. Maybe Juan gave the order to a specific star?
The Lead Falcon IIC piloted by Star Captain Anton had fired his Er PPC and it cleanly severed the Phoenix Hawk's right arm at the elbow.The second Falcon IIC piloted by mechwarrior Ajax fired
his Er Large Laser striking and fusing the left knee hobbling the mech. The third Falcon IIC piloted by mechwarrior Orion fired his Er PPC grazing the left torso melting armor off causing the Phoenix Hawk to stagger and then fall on it's right side.
This seems a bit slow. It's also, ironically, a place for mecha-porn. Short, punchy sentences give the impression of events moving swiftly. At the same time, giving more detail of the damage gives it more versimilitude and reminds the reader that the fight isn't taking place in a flat open field: there's terrain and it may matter. Here's an example:
There was a flash as Star Captain Anton's ER PPC fired. The particle beam smashed cleanly through the elbow of the bandit 'Mech, wrecking the actuator. A second Falcon IIC fired, its laser fusing the Phoenix Hawk's knee.
"Good shot, Ajax!" The third Fennec Mechwarrior ran past the others, bringing his guns to bear. The Dark Caste Mech's chest was torn open by man-made lightning. It fell to the paving and did not attempt to rise.
The Phoenix Hawk did not move after the fall and
the Dark Caste mechs attempted to flee but had nowhere to go.
There isn't? Most Clan planets are thinly populated. If there's no other dropship to depart for then they might be able to flee into barren region. It's not a great prospect but probably better than clan captivity.
They were ordered to stand down or be summarily executed but they did not know it wa a bluff.
Why would this be a bluff? It's normal clan policy - in fact, it demands explanation as to
why Juan is only bluffing about that.
The Dark Caste raiders powered down their mechs and dismounted. The Nighthawk equipped Elementals quickly dismounted from their mechs and quickly take the Dark Caste raiders prisoners.
Nothing wrong with this.
The leader of the Dark Caste raiders is brought before Star Colonel Juan De La Vega and when he
asks him for his name he refuses but the female Elemental named Artemis who is guarding him recognizes his accent as JarnFolk.
Conversation: can you speak it?
Also, how does Artemis recognise a Jarnfolk dialect? Having prior contact gives her a distinct character so develop this.
Star Colonel De La Vega is about to ask the prisoner another question when Star Captain Anton informs him that the Artic Fox a Whirlwind Class Destroyer has intercepted a JarnFolk jumpship at a pirate point and that the Kit Fox a Aegis Class Heavy Cruiser has Intercepted two dropships heading for the planet. Star Colonel De La Vega told Star Captain Anton head to the hpg and inform Khan Alax Renaldi of this.
Again, this conversation is important. Why is Anton acting as Juan's intermediary? Is he his aide? It might be preferable to have Juan do the talking to other senior officers like the Star Commodores on the Warships and the Khan.
Here ends Part One
Oh Here is Artemis
On Circe Khan Renaldi was in a meeting with his Sakhan Laura Smith and Alpha Galaxy Commander Jet Chang when his aide informed him of the Dark Caste failed raid.
What was this meeting about? This gives a chance to show their characters and what they might disagree over. This sets them up for later differences.
Khan Renaldi
said "The JarnFolk are involved with the Dark Caste they must be punished". Jet Chang said
"Let Alpha Galaxy deal with them my Khan." SaKhan Smith stated "That would not be wise
My Khan because we do not know forces they have. We need information we should send
Shadow Galaxy to gather that information." Jet Chang sneered and said "We have no need
for Shadow Galaxy my Alpha Galaxy can handle this." Khan Renaldi said "Keep your Crusader feelings in check in my presence or I will challenge you to a Trial of Grievance." Jet Chang blanched and said "I meant no disrespect My Khan of course I will chose my words more
carefully."
Okay, now we have dialogue. Great!
So how to improve this? It's convention to split the speech of different characters between paragraphs. While it's not too critical here, in an extended discussion it means you can tell who is speaking even if there's not text around them to say so.
It's interesting that Renaldi links Chang's desire to do this to being a Crusader: it could be a number of things such as pride in his unit. Fleshing out as above that Chang is a Crusader beforehand might work better. Also, Shadow Galaxy seems to be a controversial unit for him: why? This is a great hook for them.
SaKhan Smith just smiled and informed the Khan that she would quickly notify the
Shadow Galaxy Commander of the mission and see that they were properly prepared.
If so then you can probably cut Renaldi out of the loop from here and have Smith do the interacting. Alternatively perhaps he dismisses Smith and summons the Galaxy Commander himself: Khans are busy and important people, they don't need to do detail work themselves or always stick together.
An
hour later Shadow Galaxy commander Jason Fox arrived at the Khan's office. "My Khan I
have a breakdown on the target and their planets" said Jason Fox.
That's very fast work by Fox. If you want to stress that he's crazy-prepared then having Renaldi ask what he knows about the Jarnfolk and have him respond promptly. Alternatively, giving him a day or so to gather information might be wise.
Khan Renaldi said "Proceed
with the briefing Jason." Jason said "Well to begin with they have four star sytems. Each star system has a single planet capable of life. The outermost system is Hofn a water rich world
with forty archipelagos doting the surface. The majority of the archipelagos are wind farms
while the rest contain settlements which resemble blocky military bunkers. The next system is Trondheim the capital of the JarnFolk Confederation. They have Dropship and Jumpship Drydocks and other facilities we do not know any details about.The third system is Alborg a farming planet. The final system is Hamar it is a semi frozen planet with volcanic uplands."
This reads awkwardly and doesn't focus well on the issues that would matter to the clans. I'd expect something more structured, starting with an overview and then giving more detail on the most important points.
Khan Renaldi asked "Where did this information come from and how recent is it ?" Jason Fox answered "It is just under two years old and it came from the Cloud Cobras . They got it when they took a jumpship fleet from the James Clan."
A jumpship
fleet? Really? Given that jumpships aren't all that common either the Cloud Cobras essentially ruined the James family or this was only a single jumpship. Also, why did they take the ship? The Clans vary in response of course but they're not generally all that aggressive towards them since they're a useful conduit to other periphery states and (pre Invasion) to the Inner Sphere.
I have already ordered my clusters to prepare
to infiltrate these planets.
Infiltration? Interesting: that sort of stealth operation is highly atypical for the Clans. Sounds as if the Shadow Galaxy is quite an odd force.
The vehicle cluster is switching over to LST's( Landing Ship Tank) and ships.
More explanation of the LSTs might be in order, they aren't exactly common equipment in any military much less the Clans.
I have ordered our Shadow reserves to go with us
Shadow reserves? What might that be? Note that it's fine to name drop them now but an explanation later will be important.
and if all goes well not only can we infiltrate these worlds we can conquer them. They have no standing army but they may have limited but substantial Dark Caste forces on hand including former Smoke Jaguar forces. I have requested from SaKhan smith additional naval support in transportation and warships. We would first strike Hofn then move onto and Alborg and Hamar simultaneously and then we take Trondheim." Khan Renaldi smiled and said "Excellent I know it will take you almost a year to get to your target but I
order you to take the Jarnfolk Confederacy in our Clan's name.
Here ends Part two
Even for the Clans this is disgustingly little planning for an operation. I would strongly recommend more discussion and perhaps even bringing Chang or someone else in to provide dissent.
