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Author Topic: Long Day, Lucky Break  (Read 3946 times)

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Dragon Cat

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Long Day, Lucky Break
« on: April 09, 2011, 04:02:41 PM »

Another snipped from my AU an assassination attempt against the First Prince's wife

link to regular topic
http://ourbattletech.com/forum/parallel-universes/alternate-timeline-with-thanks/

Open Countryside
Rostock, New Avalon
Crucis March, Federated Suns
21st February 3071


   Travelling Home to the Royal Palace Duchess Danai Centrella-Davion, her son Burton, seven, and daughter Jaylen, four, were tired both children had been at school all day and Danai had been attending meetings across Avalon City then she‘d come to collect them and now they had to travel to Flensburg where a DropShip would take them on a sub-orbital flight back to Avalon City.  For more than once Danai questioned why she and Victor had chosen the school on Rostock instead of something closer to Avalon City but then she was reminded, it was private and isolated in Graveston’s Forest.  The press on New Avalon had promised their First Prince to leave the children when they were not with either Danai or Victor but they couldn’t guarantee all would agree by those terms.  The one thing they all wanted was to go home and rest, hopefully Victor would be at home when they got there and they could spend some time together as a family.

   Around their vehicle were four OmniMechs with sixteen Battle Armour Troopers all riding aboard their backs.  Both the OmniMechs and the Battle Armour were from the First Davion Guards RCT for close protection each had sworn an oath to die before any harm came to the First Prince or his family.  As the vehicle moved Danai could sense something was wrong the Mechs seemed to be loosing pace on the Hovercraft.  The Deusenberg VIP Luxury Hovercraft limousine, know as Deusenberg One - the First Prince’s transport created by Victor’s father Hanse Davion, had accelerated and was now travelling over one hundred kilometres per hour the escorting Mechs were struggling to keep up.  She looked over at the children worried, she see Burton could sense something was wrong too, he was old enough to notice such things nowadays, while Jaylen was fast asleep against a large cushion.  Burton glanced from his mother to his sister but Danai shook her head for him to leave her be.

   Looking out the window Danai watched as the lead Mech, a Stealth OmniMech, was hit by at several flights of missiles, two of the four riding Cavalier Battle Armoured troopers fell from the Mech’s back knocked clear by the blasts and the Deusenberg One’s driver was forced to veer to avoid hitting the falling troopers throwing the passengers around, this woke Jaylen as she flew straight into Burton who luckily was able to grab his sister stopping her hitting the insides of the vehicle “Down!”  Danai shouted, they were under attack, she didn’t know by who but it was trouble and being on the floor was the best bet for them.  As the two children reached the ground Danai covered them the best she could her growing ‘baby-bump’ made this a little difficult but she got there for the most part.

   Now the Deusenberg One was at full speed the driver using all four lanes of the almost deserted Highway as he avoided weapons fire from both sides.  The four OmniMechs were doing their best to keep up but they were all engaged with the enemy and were steadily falling behind.  The attackers had no such worries of the original twenty-four attackers eighteen remained each riding in a Firerider Dune-Buggy weighing in at ten tons and could reach speeds of over one hundred-and-twenty kilometres per hour making hitting them a real problem for the MechWarriors and impossible for the Battle Armour troopers.

   The Deusenberg One driver had made a break for it however with the OmniMechs tied up fighting the vehicles and the Battle Armour isolated the hovercraft was a sitting duck for four of the Fireriders which quickly closed on the hover craft and took out its hover skirt with some well placed call shots shredding the air cushion.  The Deusenberg One span a full three hundred and sixty degrees three times, barely avoiding flipping over onto its back, finally coming to rest against the central divider several hundred metres away from the AFFS Bodyguard forces still having trouble hitting the attacking troops which had employed inferno missiles against them causing Mechs to overheat and Battle Armour to die in napalm fire.

   From her time in the military Danai knew they were in serious danger and that soon they would be dead or held for ransom against the First Prince.  Danai silently thought of her husband, one of the most powerful men in the Inner Sphere, she didn’t care about his standing she just wished that he was here now “Victor, help us” she whispered knowing he could never hear her but feeling better by saying his name.

   Unbelievably fortune would be on the Bodyguard and the Duchess’ side, while this was going on about two kilometres a pair of brand-new prototype conventional fighters known as Thunder and Lighting from private corporation Nock Engineering Inc. were testing at a nearby range.   Test pilots Rosanna Kowalski and David Tinselly had detected the fire-fight and following a check with their flight tower the fighters had diverted to the battle.  Using a mix of Light Autocannons and the brand-new Multi-Missile Launcher the that had been debuted four years before by the Battle Magic Mercenary Command, a command dedicated to weapons development and maintenance, and since been sold to the Militia and Mercenary Commands alike.  The AFFS had been experimenting with using the MML and Light Autocannon on different units and these conventional fighters were the perfect test bed.

   â€œRosanna, clear the limo, I will take the rest.”  David said quickly flicking off the safeties on his fighters weapons diving in low. David took his fighter Lighting in on a group of Fireriders attacking a pair of the AFFS OmniMechs a Templar and a Black Hawk KU.  The Fireriders were travelling too fast for the MechWarrior to clearly get a shot at while being able to constantly hit the Mechs in the back where their armour was lighter. Already one of the OmniMechs was struggling with heavy damage to either its engine or gyroscope and was barely standing.  Using his light autocannons, one per wing, David hit one of the enemy vehicles hard enough to flip it over, rupturing the fuel tank and the inferno missile bay causing a massive explosion which consumed another Firerider “how do ya like that?”  David shouted watching the Fireriders suddenly scatter now realising they were under attack by something that could hit them easily.

   While at the other side of the battle Rosanna targeted her Thunder’s weapons on the Fireriders surrounding the limousine.  “First you, I think” she whispered hitting one with a group of SRM and medium laser fire causing the parked buggy, and its crew, to explode in fire.  She then quickly switched targets hitting a second with LRM and light autocannon fire destroying both vehicles in one pass.  The Fireriders suddenly realising they were in serious trouble began to try and disengage they were running for their lives.

   For his second pass David concentrated on the fleeing Fireriders “now who said you could leave the party?” gunning down one damaged craft with an LRM salvo followed by a medium laser hit while Rosanna hit another with her light autocannons.  Unfortunately the pair had been testing their aircraft before this engagement and fuel was getting low, with the Fireriders retreating the two test pilots were forced to disengage after their passes.  Linking up high above the battle David dropped a comm.-laser on the lead First Davion OmniMech a battered but still standing Black Hawk-KU “Lighting to Davion Guards One.”

   â€œGo ahead, Lightning” the MechWarrior’s daggered reply came through moments later.

   â€œGuards One, they are heading south west, we show no other targets.  We are bingo fuel heading for home plate.”  David said looking at his sensor data as he and Rosanna turned their fighters away from the battleground.

   â€œUnderstood, Lighting, you and your wing’s help is most appreciated, we owe you a drink.  Guard lance open fire, Bodyguard One, have your people check on packages.”  The MechWarrior ordered.

   With the Fireriders in full retreat low on expendables and more interested in running the damaged First Davion Mechs and Battle Armour were able to destroy the last attacker and form a close-protection perimeter around the wrecked Deusenberg One waiting for further reinforcements.  Danai and her children were all shaken but uninjured by the attack while both limo drivers, one MechWarrior and four Battle Armour troopers were dead from the attack.  The Deusenberg One was destroyed by weapons fire and the crash, there was no-way to recover the hovercraft, though it had done its job.  The Royal family was safe and well.  Danai Centrella-Davion said a quiet prayer that night thanking the spirit of Hanse Davion for demanding such a vehicle had been built to keep his people safe.

A slightly different one, hope you've enjoyed it.

As always comments are welcome
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My stuff, and my AU timeline follow link and enjoy

http://www.ourbattletech.com/forum/dragon-cat-collection/

The original CBT thread
Dragon Cat on CBT


Really, as long as there is an unbroken line of people calling themselves "Clan Nova Cat," it doesn't really matter to me if they're still using Iron Wombs or not. They may be dead as a faction, but as a people they still exist. It's not uncommon in the real world, after all.

Dragon Cat

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Re: Long Day, Lucky Break
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2011, 08:31:59 PM »

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My stuff, and my AU timeline follow link and enjoy

http://www.ourbattletech.com/forum/dragon-cat-collection/

The original CBT thread
Dragon Cat on CBT


Really, as long as there is an unbroken line of people calling themselves "Clan Nova Cat," it doesn't really matter to me if they're still using Iron Wombs or not. They may be dead as a faction, but as a people they still exist. It's not uncommon in the real world, after all.

Trace Coburn

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Re: Long Day, Lucky Break
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2011, 10:12:53 PM »

Another snipped from my AU an assassination attempt against the First Prince's wife

[snip]

As always comments are welcome
  I'm sorry, Dragon Cat, but I'm having a hard time getting into this AU of yours.  You clearly have passion for its development, and interesting ideas about where to take it, but the stories you write in this AU are... I don't like to think of myself as a 'grammar tyrant', but to be blunt, your prose is almost physically painful.  You seriously need a beta-reader.  :(

  I've only read this snippet, Green Machine Victory, and The Last March of St. Jamais, but those three are enough to tell me that:
-  Your punctuation is often misplaced or just plain missing, leading to sentences that run on and on like a teenaged mall-rat, rather than stopping to make each component idea clear and distinct.
-  You're telling us what everyone does and how they feel, rather than showing us - and 'show, don't tell' is one of the cardinal axioms of getting your readers emotionally invested in your writing.
-  There's no real insight into your viewpoint character(s) in this snippet, despite its being a perfect opportunity to give us a peek into Danai Cantrella-Davion's thoughts and personality; you're telling us people's emotions without giving us enough detail for us to really understand them.  You might want to think about your choice of narrative mode, and pay a little more attention to your chosen mode's strengths and limitations.
-  When you change between viewpoint characters, from Danai to the two test-pilots, there's nothing to mark the shift in perspective: one paragraph is inside the limo, and the next is with the two prototype fighters.  (It's good form to mark shifts in perspective with some sort of divider between paragraphs.)
-  There are some egregious grammatic errors and mis-used words, though thankfully I can't find many outright misspellings.

  Tell you what: if you'll permit me the presumption, I'll re-write Long Day, Lucky Break to make the readability changes I think are needed, then PM the result to you.  (Fair warning: I'll probably end up making some stylistic changes to go with the grammar and punctuation corrections, like giving people that look inside Danai's head that I mentioned.)  If you think the new version is still the story you want to tell, put that up in place of the current one.  ;)
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Dragon Cat

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Re: Long Day, Lucky Break
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2011, 04:11:04 AM »

I'm more than happy for pointers and new points of view

Please feel free

I'm big enough and daft enough to know that my punctuation and grammer isn't best nor the worse

Do your worse and I'll have a look be warned however if you want a beta reader job I've got tons of stuff :D
Logged
My stuff, and my AU timeline follow link and enjoy

http://www.ourbattletech.com/forum/dragon-cat-collection/

The original CBT thread
Dragon Cat on CBT


Really, as long as there is an unbroken line of people calling themselves "Clan Nova Cat," it doesn't really matter to me if they're still using Iron Wombs or not. They may be dead as a faction, but as a people they still exist. It's not uncommon in the real world, after all.
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